I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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