The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
