people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize