We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
