This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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