I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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