My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
