I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
