I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
