I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
