he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
