If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
