My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
