i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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