o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
