I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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