I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
