In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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