Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
