Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize