I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
