my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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