They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
