I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
