in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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