No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize