I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
