Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
