i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
