i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
