It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
even my farts smell like vagina
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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