Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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