So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
