The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
