my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
