I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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