You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
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