apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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