I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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