I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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