I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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