the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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