Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
