Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
did i just pee glitter
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
