Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You're like the curious george of whores
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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