So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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