I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
