I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
