remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
