On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize