Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
