In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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