Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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