I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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