The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
