So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
