weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
