it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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