we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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